Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Some months are ridiculous

I think this month was fated to not happen, pregnancy-wise.  As of today, I ovulated a day late, which is not great for conception.  It's still possible, just a lot less likely.  Anyhow, I knew, from observing my body, that I was going to ovulate a day early last month, and I saw the same things this month, so I naturally thought I was just back to ovulating on day 11 every month again.  Sigh.  Not this month.  Day 12.

I suppose I really can't be too upset, since we could not have possibly have tried a single day later than we did.  My wonderful husband hurt his back working out, aggravated it mowing the lawn, and actually threw it out having sex on (what I thought) was our last possible night to conceive our little girl.  I did not have the heart to tell him I ovulated early and that he probably threw his back out for nothing this month.

This was my month to conceive a little Sagittarius, and I'm sad that it probably won't happen.  Next month is Capricorn territory, and I don't think I want to go for that.  But then again, I don't want to miss another opportunity to try since this is taking so much longer than I thought it would.  Sigh.  What a dilemma.  I mean, if I tell my man I want to take a break from trying to conceive for a month because I don't want our baby born so close to the winter holidays, he'll agree and understand, but then I'll always wonder if I had conceived that month if the baby would be born late and be an Aquarius, which is what I originally wanted to have anyway.  Besides, I could calculate to have an Aquarius and end up going into labor early (like I did with my son) and have a Capricorn anyway.  I guess I'll just err on the side of caution next month and not even come close to pushing into conceiving a boy territory.  Then, if it's meant to happen, it'll be possible.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


Aunt Flo came to visit this morning.  Right after my intense morning workout, it came in a gush and smothered my hopes for the month.  This happened right after I took another pregnancy test this morning and got an ambiguous answer.  There was just enough of a hint of line to make me want to go out and get another test for the next morning.  After seeing that, I was pretty sure in my mind that I was probably pregnant.  Any line at all in a pregnancy test is supposed to be taken as a positive result, and, adding that in with my weird symptoms, I figured this was the month for us.

Then my period came.  I didn't cry.  I wasn't even really disappointed when I first saw it.  It was more than twice as much blood as I normally have on my first day, and I've never cramped for four days before I began bleeding either.  Adding it all up, I figure I probably just had a spontaneous abortion.  My body rejected the zygote, or it died on its own.  Either way, I think I had been pregnant momentarily, and now I wasn't.  It was for the best though.  A spontaneous abortion most often happens when there is a serious problem, and I would not have wanted to carry the pregnancy out any further.  It was all very logical at the moment.

Then, the crying happened.  I realized that even though I understand scientifically what happened, and I know beyond a doubt that this was the better outcome, I still have a flood of hormones and emotions associated with it to deal with.  I still have to let myself mourn the baby I really wanted, and have been waiting for.  It's okay to be upset that this journey, which is becoming a bit stressful, isn't over yet.  It's understandable that I'm upset that the Thanksgiving baby that I thought I'd have isn't going to be here.

I hate crying.  It's just not something I often feel okay doing.  But it's okay today.  Today I will mourn, and tomorrow I will start preparing to try again.

One busy month

I haven't blogged in a while, but this has been an eventful month in my quest to conceive my little girl.  First, the lameness: we only had sex once during my fertile time.  Yep, once.  And even getting that in was difficult.  he was tired, he didn't want to, and it was late.  I admit, I was so not in the mood.  But making a baby on purpose isn't fun... making one on accident is!  I knew that going in, so I figured this month would be a total wash since we only did it the once.  Oh, and my dear loving husband spent about 30 minutes in a scalding hot tub earlier that day.  Yep, he's out to wound his little soldiers before sending them off to battle. I was not pleased.

So, I definitely thought this could not even possibly be the month.  Then the cramping started.  About three days after ovulation, I had cramps.  They felt just like the cramps I had when I got pregnant with my son.  It was just like getting period cramps way too early.  Hope filled me, and I've been paying super-close attention to my body ever since.  The cramping has been off and on ever since, and I had two days of nausea about 10 days post-ovulation.  My skin has been breaking out (I rarely get adult acne now,) I've been a bit over-emotional (crying over the death of my grandfather a year and a half past while showering,) and once my husband's kiss tasted like copper to me.  All these things make me really think this could be the month.

But I got a negative pregnancy test two mornings ago, 12 days past ovulation.  My period was due today, and it hasn't come yet, but that one negative test was enough to make me want to wait until Saturday morning to test again.  I know that some women don't show up pregnant on the pee-stick until 19 days past ovulation, but with my son 14 days was enough.  So I figure 16 days should do it. We'll see!