Tuesday, April 14, 2009
So, this has been a stellar two and a half weeks. My son, my husband and I have all been sick with this nasty stomach flu that's been going around, my two sisters came to visit me along with my dad and their families, my man went to Las Vegas over the past weekend, I got a phone call that my brother is in the hospital with a seriously infected bedsore, and to top it all off I haven't been sleeping well. I never fell prey to post-partum depression, but if this is what it feels like, it's awful.
Everything has felt grey and empty. It feels like you can't do anything right. No matter what I do, it's never enough. I always feel like my son deserves more, no matter how often I read to him, how many home-cooked meals he eats, or how much bonding time we get together. The house is a mess and I have no energy. All the parenting choices I've made aren't the easy or obvious ones. Bed-sharing, extended breastfeeding and refusing to put him on a schedule have incited criticism and outright laughter from relatives and complete strangers alike. It sucks. It's unfair. And it's so much harder without support.
I spent some time crying, having my little break-down after my son followed me from room to room whining and pulling on my leg for an hour, and I realized that sleep is at the crux of this problem. I can handle all of this if I sleep ten hours a night. Well, I think I can. I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep since my third trimester (heartburn prevented it.) The really crappy part of this situation is that, even when my son sleeps through the night, my body is so used to him waking up and needing me that I wake up at least once, convinced I need to check on him. Lame.
So, I've gotten kind of used to six hours a night, even all broken into two- and three-hour chunks. But a sick baby won't give you that. A night of vomiting and diarrhea, whether it's yours or the kid's, denies you sleep like that, too. Worse, when the entire family is better, and things are starting to get back to normal, sleep will still be off. Yep, the child has wrecked his sleep schedule and now wants to wake up and play for a couple of hours at 2 am. I am dying to sleep again. Sigh.
I'm getting by, napping alongside my son for now, and hoping this storm will pass soon. I talked to my husband about it a couple of nights ago...okay, we fought about it, and I think we've resolved some of these issues. He's been more affectionate to me and he now knows that I need a few minutes of quiet in our room to collect myself when the day has been really bad and I'm about to cry. Just that extra kiss and "I love you" when he leaves for work really goes a long way. I knew I married him for a reason.
In return, I need to approach him before I turn into a screaming banshee or a puddle of tears. No problem! In fact, I'm sure I got the better end of the deal.
So, I took an overly long nap with my son today and burned dinner, and laundry never got done. But there's a a distinct sunbeam peeking through the storm clouds now. The week is looking up.