Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's another boy :(

So, after nearly a year of using Shettles method, of hoping and trying for a girl, we find ourselves with another boy.  The ultrasound left no doubt.  The scrotum and penis were painfully obvious about 5 minutes into the ultrasound, and I felt really sorry for the tech, because it was awkwardly silent after that.  We'd been chatting before, but once the gender was revealed, I just wanted to go home and cry.  He's very healthy, but he's another son.

I did cry... a lot...and I'm still struggling to recreate my vision of my family.  I struggled to conform to my husband's desire for only two children, and now I have to struggle to expand it to three again.  As much as I like the idea of having so many resources available for two kids, I just can't cope with the idea of never having a daughter.  I loved my relationship with my mother, and knowing that I'll never experience the other end of that relationship is too much to bear.  It's also hard knowing that all my other siblings who have kids have at least one girl.  I'm the only one left out.

I'nm having a hard time understanding why I'm taking this so hard.  I was a tomboy growing up, who hated dresses.  I don't like pink, princess parties, Hannah Montana, lace or ruffles.  I like climbing in trees, dinosaurs, hiking, fishing, and camping.  I like playing rough and occasionally getting dirty.  Don't I sound like the ideal boy mom?

Yet it was devastating to hear that I'm carrying another boy.  Being told that I was having another son was earth shaking.  I cried until my head ached and my face hurt.  My contacts were clouded from all the salt by the end of the day.  I hated feeling that way.  I wanted to be one of those women who genuinely didn't care one way or the other, so long as the baby was healthy.  I would have given anything to make myself be happy about the baby.  Instead, I felt like my world came crashing down.  It was awful thinking about all the women who can't have babies of their own, ones who have babies who have horrible problems, or the mothers of babies who have died.  They would kill to trade places with me, and yet I felt about as bad as I could possibly feel about my situation.  Being told to think about these women is also pretty pointless.  It's like telling someone whose husband left them, "Think of all the widows.  They'd rather be in your shoes."  Or, "At least you didn't have any kids together."  It's not helpful.  Yes, there are people who are worse off.  There always are, no matter what your situation is.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't be thankful for what you have, it just means that thinking about how much worse it could be does nothing for this depression.  I never wanted to feel this way.  No one in their right mind does.  Gender Disappointment is an ugly, black thing to experience, and most people don't understand it, or don't want to.

The online community I've found on In-Gender has helped me a lot.  It's beneficial to know that I'm not alone in these taboo feelings and thoughts.  It's even inspired me to write them down.  I have a few volunteers to contribute to my short stories about Gender Disappointment.  I want to compile them into a book and use it to show other GD sufferers how normal their feelings are.  I want to show them the wide range of reactions, feelings and causes related to GD, and that they are not alone.

I am healing, but the process is slow.  I want to be completely over this by the time my baby boy is born.  He deserves a mommy who love and adores him no matter what, and that's where I aim to be by mid February.  I love my first son, and I know that my second will be just as precious to me.  My son will have a brother, a relationship that he'll grow to treasure.

I also wonder if this isn't fate.  I've always wanted a larger family, and had to be convinced that two was a good number.  I was worried about having grandchildren at all with only two kids.  I thought about how hard it would be to relate to a girly girl, and I know that girls with older brothers are more likely to end up tomboys.  Perhaps this was the only way (besides twins) that my husband would accept having a bigger family.  Perhaps this is the universe's way of giving me what I wanted, just not in the way I pictured.  I DO know that we'll be using high-tech methods to make sure the next one's definitely a girl, since three is our absolute max number of children (once again, unless we get twins.)  We'll have to see what the next few years offer for us.  In the meantime, the clouds are clearing from my GD depression, and everything looks different...but it's really not bad.


  1. Oh you sweet thing! I so want to give you hugs! Boy or Girl I know that the personality of that kid will be unique and nurtured and fun. You make great babies :)

  2. Don't beat yourself up hon! I've known you a long time. You are a wonderful mom. Maybe someday when we all finally end up in Colorado we can do a kid swap...I'll take your boys and you can have Giavonna ( for a little while any way :) ) Giavonna wants a sister so bad my ovaries can feel it. Love ya hon. Chin up.

  3. you're taking it hard because you were so attached to the dream of having a girl.

    unfortunately we need to relinquish the idea of having control over everything in our lives.

    I'm sorry you're hurting sweetheart. I strongly believe that things happen for a reason and it's good to trust life.

    ~BIG HUGS~ be gentle, patient and forgiving of yourself. love you.