Sunday, February 14, 2010


Still not pregnant.  Sigh.  I started cramping within an hour of getting the negative result on the test.

Some people wonder why I bother testing as soon as my period's due, rather than just waiting a few more days to see if I bleed or not.  The answer is simple, really.  Stress can delay your period.  If I'm at all excited or worried on way or the other, that can delay my period for days, and I want it to start asap so that I can get started on the next month of trying to conceive.  I've waited before.  It seems like every time I wait and I'm either hopeful or scared, my period starts as soon as I get the single line on the pee stick.

I'm done playing games.  I'm still not going to stress about it, or cry that I'm not pregnant yet, but as long as the 99 cent store sells pregnancy tests, I'm going to test the morning that my period is due.

So, maybe next month will be the one.  Actually, next month could be perfect.  I've always wanted to be obviously pregnant for Samhain/Halloween so that I can paint my belly like the Earth, and dress up as Gaia.  It's my perfect costume!  Also, I'd love to have a Sagittarius, and this baby would still be born in the year of the Tiger.  Although, next year is the year of the Rabbit, and that would be great, too.  Well, either way, let's hope this cycle is the one!

Tomorrow morning

Okay, it's been about 9 months of trying and I'm hoping that tomorrow will be the day I find out that I'm pregnant.  Timing was perfect this month, with our last attempt to conceive at 2 1/2 days before ovulation, so I'm feeling good about my chances.

When you're trying to get pregnant, it's so easy to try to interpret every twinge and irregularity in your body as a signal of conception.  My stomach has been a little odd the last few days,  I had a little cramping yesterday and I saw a little pink that may have been implantation bleeding 3 days ago.  But all of that might have been nothing, too.

I meditate on conceiving my daughter most of the month, right before bedtime.  I close my eyes, with my hands over my lower belly, and envision my womb as a nursery, being decorated and prepared for her.  When I'm not successful and I'm having my period, I picture each cramp as a "cleaning out" of my uterus, making room for baby.  Then, after I know I've ovulated, I concentrate on inviting my daughter to come and join our family.  I tell her that we're all waiting for her, and that she is wanted more than she'll ever know.

I sleep with a fertility charm under the mattress.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm a little obsessed, but then I think about how much I freaked out about conceiving my son as fast as possible.  Compared to that experience, this one is relaxed and casual.  Sure, there's disappointment when I pee on the stick and it confirms that this month isn't the one, but I don't cry about it.  I don't panic or get depressed.  I just shrug and think about how next month I'll try again, with renewed hope.

Little girl of mine, your brother has been asking about you.  He wants to know where you are.  I've told him that your father and I are trying to bring you here as fast as we can, but in the end, you'll arrive when you're ready.  We're ready for you.  We think about you a lot, and I hope I'll get a message from you that you'll be coming tomorrow.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

My progress so far

It's been a while since I've really updated my status in my journey for fitness and weight loss, and, since I've been feeling good about it today, I figured now was as good a time as any.  I'm 22 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight, and I fit into a size 12 pair of jeans.  My size 16's used to be tight.  I lost nearly all of the "back fat" that really bothered me, and my face has really thinned out.  Yay, me!

My husband has been behind a lot of my motivation.  He's 65 lbs less than what he used to weigh, and about 75 lbs less than his peak weight.  He started with Crossfit and pulled me in.  I have to admit, my attitude has never been the same since I began attending Crossfit classes.

Crossfit is a style of exercise that combines a lot of gymnastics training and Olympic style weight lifting with basic calisthenics.  All the movements are functional, and designed to build a physique that is strong with lots of endurance.  I think the best way to describe it is that it's like a boot camp style workout without any of the abuse.  Encouragement and smiling faces are all that you get at Crossfit.  The trainers at my gym are wonderful.  No matter what the exercise is, or how impossible it looks, their attitudes are always that I'll work up to it and conquer it, not that the harder movements are beyond my capabilities.  I've never felt that way before.  I've also never thought I'd be close to a handstand or that I'd ever even consider running a 5K.

My attitude has certainly changed.  I still really want to lose the weight, but my focus has shifted somewhat.  I'm more interested in running farther and faster, doing more pull-ups, push-ups and sit-ups, and building the endurance to hike, swim or bike all day.  I want to be able to walk on my hands and do a cartwheel one day.  I feel strong after my workouts now, not just tired.  I feel tough and capable of handling anything, much like I used to feel in JROTC.  That's the part of physical training in high school ROTC that I miss the most.  I remember crawling under barbed wire on my belly in the dirt, a fake M-16 in my hands as I crossed a field with simulated gunfire overhead.  It was painful and awful as I went through it, but as I stood up, dirt in my mouth and nose, muscles sore and cramping and eyes watering, I felt like I could have conquered the world.  I felt so alive and so capable at that moment.  I know now that there were a lot of things wrong with what I did, looking back.  The desensitization to violence and war left me with issues that took a few years out of high school to heal.  But the feeling I got from those exercises really gave me confidence in myself and my body.  I missed that, and, up until recently, had no idea that I could get that feeling back without all the bad stuff. Crossfit to the rescue!

Crossfit has really changed the way I work out, and my attitude toward working out.  I used to think I wouldn't be motivated to exercise if I wasn't going to be doing something fun like hiking, bellydancing or climbing.  I also used to think that I couldn't get any meaningful exercise in without putting in an hour or more three or four days a week.  Now I do exhausting workouts 5 or six days a week that are almost all less than half an hour including warm-up and cool down.  I still fit some yoga and bellydance into my week, and hiking will always be my first love, but I see me regular workout as tools to help me do whatever I want with my body when it's time for fun.  I used to think the idea of me skiing or snowboarding was laughable.  Now I can't wait to try them.  I have a confidence in my body that I haven't known in a long time.

I still eat what I want in smaller portions, but at least 3 dinners a week are lean meats and veggies or salad.  I still refuse to eat fake sweeteners or fats, and I have cut the sugar in my diet down to just the necessities.  I love dessert, and I need a drop or two of agave nectar in my coffee, but spaghetti sauce needs no sugar, and I can't believe that I ever ate things like baked beans, chocolate chip pancakes, or catsup.  Only dessert needs sugar, damnit!  I also can't eat pre-packaged foods the way I used to.  Years of "detoxing" from all the crap and preservatives in the stuff you can buy at convenience stores has changed my taste buds.  I used to LOVE Ho-ho's.  Not the crappy Little Debbie knock-offs, but the real Hostess Ho-ho's.  I could eat two packages of those for lunch in high school.  I thought they were divine.  So, I decided to be nostalgic and eat one on a recent road trip back to San Diego.  Ugh!  I couldn't get through the first bite.  It didn't taste like the creamy, chocolatey cake roll I remembered.  It tasted like chemicals and plastic.  I felt wasteful, but I threw the whole thing out.

I eat more fruits, veggies and eggs than I ever used to.  I have a dessert everyday, but I have a small one that I savor and really enjoy.  Yoga still makes me crave whole, nutritious food like nothing else I've ever done before.  When I'm done with half an hour of yoga, I can't imagine eating pizza or cookies.  I just crave yogurt (plain, of course) and hummus and fruit.  There's something about quietly listening to my body that makes me feel that way.

I'm at a plateau now, stuck at about 146 lbs, but I'm okay with it.  I'll just stick to working out and feeling good, and I'm sure a few pounds will start to drop off eventually.  Pregnancy is the only thing that worries me now, but I think I have the tools to keep me fit through my pregnancy and ready to go after the baby's born.  Now I just need to work on getting pregnant...