Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's another boy :(

So, after nearly a year of using Shettles method, of hoping and trying for a girl, we find ourselves with another boy.  The ultrasound left no doubt.  The scrotum and penis were painfully obvious about 5 minutes into the ultrasound, and I felt really sorry for the tech, because it was awkwardly silent after that.  We'd been chatting before, but once the gender was revealed, I just wanted to go home and cry.  He's very healthy, but he's another son.

I did cry... a lot...and I'm still struggling to recreate my vision of my family.  I struggled to conform to my husband's desire for only two children, and now I have to struggle to expand it to three again.  As much as I like the idea of having so many resources available for two kids, I just can't cope with the idea of never having a daughter.  I loved my relationship with my mother, and knowing that I'll never experience the other end of that relationship is too much to bear.  It's also hard knowing that all my other siblings who have kids have at least one girl.  I'm the only one left out.

I'nm having a hard time understanding why I'm taking this so hard.  I was a tomboy growing up, who hated dresses.  I don't like pink, princess parties, Hannah Montana, lace or ruffles.  I like climbing in trees, dinosaurs, hiking, fishing, and camping.  I like playing rough and occasionally getting dirty.  Don't I sound like the ideal boy mom?

Yet it was devastating to hear that I'm carrying another boy.  Being told that I was having another son was earth shaking.  I cried until my head ached and my face hurt.  My contacts were clouded from all the salt by the end of the day.  I hated feeling that way.  I wanted to be one of those women who genuinely didn't care one way or the other, so long as the baby was healthy.  I would have given anything to make myself be happy about the baby.  Instead, I felt like my world came crashing down.  It was awful thinking about all the women who can't have babies of their own, ones who have babies who have horrible problems, or the mothers of babies who have died.  They would kill to trade places with me, and yet I felt about as bad as I could possibly feel about my situation.  Being told to think about these women is also pretty pointless.  It's like telling someone whose husband left them, "Think of all the widows.  They'd rather be in your shoes."  Or, "At least you didn't have any kids together."  It's not helpful.  Yes, there are people who are worse off.  There always are, no matter what your situation is.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't be thankful for what you have, it just means that thinking about how much worse it could be does nothing for this depression.  I never wanted to feel this way.  No one in their right mind does.  Gender Disappointment is an ugly, black thing to experience, and most people don't understand it, or don't want to.

The online community I've found on In-Gender has helped me a lot.  It's beneficial to know that I'm not alone in these taboo feelings and thoughts.  It's even inspired me to write them down.  I have a few volunteers to contribute to my short stories about Gender Disappointment.  I want to compile them into a book and use it to show other GD sufferers how normal their feelings are.  I want to show them the wide range of reactions, feelings and causes related to GD, and that they are not alone.

I am healing, but the process is slow.  I want to be completely over this by the time my baby boy is born.  He deserves a mommy who love and adores him no matter what, and that's where I aim to be by mid February.  I love my first son, and I know that my second will be just as precious to me.  My son will have a brother, a relationship that he'll grow to treasure.

I also wonder if this isn't fate.  I've always wanted a larger family, and had to be convinced that two was a good number.  I was worried about having grandchildren at all with only two kids.  I thought about how hard it would be to relate to a girly girl, and I know that girls with older brothers are more likely to end up tomboys.  Perhaps this was the only way (besides twins) that my husband would accept having a bigger family.  Perhaps this is the universe's way of giving me what I wanted, just not in the way I pictured.  I DO know that we'll be using high-tech methods to make sure the next one's definitely a girl, since three is our absolute max number of children (once again, unless we get twins.)  We'll have to see what the next few years offer for us.  In the meantime, the clouds are clearing from my GD depression, and everything looks different...but it's really not bad.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

17 I that far along already?

Yep, 17 weeks today.  My midwife decided I needed to do something about my all-day "morning" sickness.  She's been on my about hydration, since every time I come in for I visit I test as dehydrated on the urine dipstick.  So, she put me on a 90 oz hydration regimen that's been really difficult to keep up.  I'm just not used to drinking all that liquid everyday.  More than that, it was 30 oz of water, 30 oz of herbal pregnancy tea (which tasted all right,) and 30 oz of coconut water, a substance I'd never tried before.  She said it was sweet, and that it was "nature's Gatorade," full of electrolytes and other good stuff.  So I went out and bought a ton of it, expensive as it was, only to gag on the first sip.  Ugh, it was awful!  I spent an hour struggling to keep it down.  Later it occurred to me, coconut water tastes like semen!  No wonder I can't stomach more than a sip of it.  Anyway, my midwife said I could drink the flavored coconut water, which has added sugar and fruit puree (and twice the calories) but tastes like juice, so I've been on that.

I have to say, I've been feeling much better.  I still get carsick, and threw up a few days ago, so I'm not totally over it, but it's a world different than the morning dry-heaving-in-the-toilet-for-20-minutes routine I had down for the last few weeks.

I've been feeling a lot more flutters and even a few first kicks, so the baby is becoming more and more real to me.  It's so weird, but most mornings I wake up having forgotten that I'm pregnant.  It's just not as monumental as it  was the first time around.  I'm trying to enjoy it, especially since it will be my last pregnancy if I'm carrying a girl, but it's hard.  This baby's caused me a lot more nausea, fatigue and overall feeling-crappiness than my son did.

I'll probably feel better after I know the gender, too.  for better or for worse, I need to just get it over with and find out.  At week 14 I took an at-home urine gender test.  It's called Best Baby Gender Test, and it boasts 80% accuracy, with more false boy results than false girl results.  I added the little packet, and got an immediate girl result!  I know it's not a good idea to raise my hopes on something like that, but I couldn't help it.  I've also been hearing the same Old Wives' Tale "sick all day means a girl" from everyone and their mom.  I'm excited and really scared to find out, but I'll be finding out the gender in about a week and a half.

In the meantime, my cravings have changed dramatically.  Tuna, that nefarious food that made me vomit with my last pregnancy, is at the top of my craving list.  My poor husband is terrified of me eating too much and endangering the baby's developing brain, and I don't blame him.  It's all I've wanted these past few days.  Ooh, and deviled eggs.  Yum!  What's wrong with me?