Mourning

Aunt Flo came to visit this morning.  Right after my intense morning workout, it came in a gush and smothered my hopes for the month.  This happened right after I took another pregnancy test this morning and got an ambiguous answer.  There was just enough of a hint of line to make me want to go out and get another test for the next morning.  After seeing that, I was pretty sure in my mind that I was probably pregnant.  Any line at all in a pregnancy test is supposed to be taken as a positive result, and, adding that in with my weird symptoms, I figured this was the month for us.

Then my period came.  I didn't cry.  I wasn't even really disappointed when I first saw it.  It was more than twice as much blood as I normally have on my first day, and I've never cramped for four days before I began bleeding either.  Adding it all up, I figure I probably just had a spontaneous abortion.  My body rejected the zygote, or it died on its own.  Either way, I think I had been pregnant momentarily, and now I wasn't.  It was for the best though.  A spontaneous abortion most often happens when there is a serious problem, and I would not have wanted to carry the pregnancy out any further.  It was all very logical at the moment.

Then, the crying happened.  I realized that even though I understand scientifically what happened, and I know beyond a doubt that this was the better outcome, I still have a flood of hormones and emotions associated with it to deal with.  I still have to let myself mourn the baby I really wanted, and have been waiting for.  It's okay to be upset that this journey, which is becoming a bit stressful, isn't over yet.  It's understandable that I'm upset that the Thanksgiving baby that I thought I'd have isn't going to be here.

I hate crying.  It's just not something I often feel okay doing.  But it's okay today.  Today I will mourn, and tomorrow I will start preparing to try again.