19...isn't enough?

Really?  The Duggars are still leaving the size of their family "up to God," according to their interview in People magazine.  What possible justification could they have for this after 19 children, 2 cases of preeclampsia, 4 cesarean sections, a micropreemie whose future is still uncertain, and gallstones?  Oh, that they put their faith in God, of course!

In my previous post, I mentioned (okay, raved about) No Longer Qivering, a blog about the Quiverfull movement and patriarchy.  After reading so much insider information about the lifestyle and the destruction it causes, I can no longer just shrug and smile sadly about Michelle and Jim Bob's decisions regarding birth control.  It's not cute, or sweet or even adorably naive.  It's sad.  It's crazy.  It just goes to show how brainwashed they are by their extreme religion and the recommendations of some of the authors and pastors within it.

I once just figured that they were truly a "what you see is what you get" kind of family, but that was just wishful thinking on my part.  I love babies and for much of my life, all I could think about was having babies and becoming a mother.  I never imagined that my first baby would be born when I was 28.  My goddess, my own mother had 5 children by that age!  I'm 30 now, trying for #2, when my mom had #6 and was done adding to her family.  So I compulsively watched shows like A Baby Story, Maternity Ward, House of Babies, and later Kids by the Dozen and the Duggar family specials.  I was obsessed with the latter two.  Even though my conscious self never wanted more than 4 children, I watched these shows in envy.  I had wanted to have my first baby by 25, and some of these people had 4 by then.  They ran their homes like clockwork, had as many babies as they wanted, and seemed to have the family closeness that I had as a child and want for my own family.  It was more than addictive.  It was seductive.  The religion I rejected as a small child contained the possibility of so much that I wanted...and yet it was never enough for more than just a daydream.

I've said before that I would love the certainty of Christianity.  Knowing that the world is so black and white must be so reassuring.  And though I was raised Catholic (and not even strictly Catholic) rather than in a more conservative sect of Christianity, I knew even at 8 years old that the Christian religion demanded too much.  I saw it, even then, as unfair and too restrictive.  As soon as I found out what sex was I knew I wasn't waiting for marriage.  I had no intention of ever going to church again the moment I was no longer being forced to.  I thought the mythology was boring and that many of the lessons were ridiculous.  I hated the authoritative nature of it, and I scoffed at the idea of someone making a sacrifice for such ideology.  I thought you would have to be stupid to give up family life for service as a priest or a nun, and that only those who were gluttons for punishment would bother to "save themselves for marriage" or fast for Lent.  Why bother?  There was so much freedom to be had outside of religion, so much unrestricted fun to be had guilt-free.  So I willfully left, dragging my family with me, by the age of 15.  Mom just couldn't take the fighting about it anymore, since dad would ground me for a week for misbehaving in church.  I was supposed to "prove myself" the next Sunday by being a proper young lady during services.  Instead I was perpetually grounded.  Dad, being a big kid himself, hated grounding me that much, and mom started to feel like it wasn't worth the effort to drag all 6 kids (my minions who I'd turned against church, as well) through a boring hour of church where we all did our best to amuse ourselves to our parents' embarrassment.  It was dumb.  Mom was a real martyr for carrying it on as long as she did.

So why did I even think for two seconds that an even stricter version of this religion had any appeal?  That's crazy!  Well, it helped that I wasn't living it, so all I saw was the pretty package presented on TV of a large, close, happy family.  I had a boyfriend (now my husband) who wanted only two children and wouldn't let me start our family until we were done with college (which was taking forever) and married.  Through all of the ridiculousness, all I saw was a woman who was allowed to have as many children as she wanted, when she wanted them.  Ultimately, I think that's where my obsession stemmed from.

I have to wonder if, after I have my second child, would I even want any more children if my husband gave in and let me have as many babies as I want?  I don't know.  I'll probably never know, since he's pretty staunch about only wanting two.  I wish I could know in my heart if I'm just fighting him and clinging to my dream of having (what I think of as a) medium-sized family, or if I really truly won't feel complete until I have birthed a fourth child.

Either way, I'm happy that I'll never know the back-to-back pregnancies, multiple cesarean sections, complete exhaustion of keeping up with so many children, and submission to patriarchy that these women in the Quiverfull movement are subjected to.  The multitude of miscarriages that they often face toward the end of their childbearing years is heartbreaking, and the lack of support and empathy is horrific.

No, I can't be angry at the Duggars for their conviction of faith.  They are sheep.  They have been conditioned to blindly follow, without thought, where their religion leads.  Sheep are dumb creatures.  They'll walk off a cliff if that's where they're led.  And it's now clear to me that one doesn't just decide to become a sheep.  It's a slow process of taking away independent thought and chipping away at self-identity.  I can't be angry at them when they're doing only what they've been told is right and good.

Nope, it's the fundamentalist Christian religious movements that are so destructive.  It makes promises it can't deliver, sets impossible goals and ideals, demands more than one can give, and still makes good people determined to stick with it to their deaths.  Sad.

My new addiction

Anyone who really knows me understands my fascination (cough...obsession!) with the Duggar family and the Quiverfull movement that is the underlying cause for their supersized family.  Well, I finally found something better than 18 Kids and Counting which satisfies my need to know more about the movement and the ultra-religiousity that motivates people like the Duggars to seemingly withdraw from society and normalcy to pursue a creepy "closeness with God."

The blog is called No Longer Qivering.  It's misspelled on purpose because there is no "you" in the Quiverfull Movement...at least not for the women who belong to it.  It's the blog of a woman and a few other contributors who left the movement.  It's their stories about how they fell into such an extreme lifestyle and religion, the horrors of living such a life (depression, overwhelming expectations, constant pregnancies and pressure,) the first clues that lead them to realize that this life was killing them, and then their final escape back to "the real world."

I just can't get enough of it.  I check it multiple times a day for updates and new stories.  There is so much about that life that I never thought about, so many compelling little elements and horrifying details that are (of course) not part of the Duggar family's public face.  It makes me really wonder what's going on once the cameras are turned off.

Patriarchy was the biggest surprise to me.  I mean, I understood that women were second class citizens in most of Christianity, and certainly within the Quiverfull movement, but I never understood that QF and patrirchy pretty much went hand in hand, one seldom existing without the other.  It amazes me that in this day and age there are women in the US who blatantly reject feminism and women's rights.  They think that it's wrong for a man to ever be in a subordinate position under a woman.  Therefore, women should avoid any profession outside the home, should always be submissive to men, and should especially never challenge the authority of their fathers or husbands.  Just like in the old days, a girl is the property of her father until she is married, and then she passes to the authority of her husband.  Sometimes, a courtship is arranged between parents who want to join their families, and as long as the boy is agreeable to the match, the two are married.  There is the slightest veneer of choice on the girl's part in all this, but by the time in her life that courtship comes around, she is so conditioned to submit to her father that she'll likely agree to the match her father is so clearly approving of, even if she doesn't care for or she's not particularly attracted to the boy.  Sad, huh?

There's so much more!  I could literally read this site for ours every day and not get through all there is in a week.  I just can't pimp this blog enough.  Oh! And Vyckie, the main contributor, is writing a book all about her life and her story.  So, for the time being you can read much of Vyckie's Story on her blog for free.  But once her book deal goes through, she's going to take it all down.  Take my advice: visit this site!

The Duggars blanket train? Hypocrits!

Everyone who knows me knows that I have an unnatural fascination with the Duggar family and their 18 (soon to be 19) children.  Most of this fascination comes from their ridiculous version of christianity, but I also like watching them to see how such a large family functions so smoothly.  The kids don't seem to fight very often, their parents never raise their voices, and the household runs like clockwork.  From breakfast over bible passages to Daddy's evening bible reading and bedtime, it just seems surreal.  The kids behave almost perfectly.  Perhaps it's because they're on camera, but I don't think you can get that many kids under the age of 5 to be so good while the cameras are there...and I know TLC would probably refuse to edit out a scene where someone in the family (especially one of the parents) is just losing it.

Then I found an interesting tidbit of information today.  Apparently, the Duggars use something called "blanket training" on their little ones.  Blanket training means placing a baby of crawling age on a blanket on the floor with toys just off the edge of the blanket.  Then, the parent "taps" the edge of the blanket with a rod or wooden spoon as a warning for the child not to get off the blanket.  Then, if the baby tries to get to the toys anyway, the baby gets smacked, usually on the back of the legs, to deter the child from trying again.  Eventually, the kid gets the picture and the parents can do whatever they want while their baby stays on the blanket.  It's cruel, and it reminds me of people crate training their dogs, but a baby is not a dog!  I don't believe in hitting kids, and hitting a baby of that age is just unconscionable.  To be fair, the Duggars claim that they blanket train without the hitting part, but I see no way that this would work.  And if they're lying about that, what else are they concealing about their child rearing?

So, how does this effect me and the world at large?  Why should I care?  Lots of people hit their kids, after all.  This bothers me because so many women watch this show, myself included, and think they are horrible mothers because they cannot measure up to this standard.  It's angering to think that we might be feeling this way because they are raising their children in a more heavy-handed manner than they let on, and that children raised in a more gentle manner are probably a bit more unruly.  I would be talking about my own child here.

Personally, I know I yell a lot less after watching an episode of their show and I feel terrible about my shorter temper for days.  Yet I keep watching.  It's a train wreck, and I do not possess the strength to look away from it.  Either way, I know I'll keep watching, but I may watch with a smirk now when Michelle or Jim Bob Duggar talk about how they raise their kids in such a "godly" manner.